It’s our first Snooki-free episode of Dancing With The Stars, and it appears that she has been replaced with an autotuned version of Cher as a guest judge. Cher looks amazing. How is that even possible? She’s, like, older than Madonna.
Anyway, to the dancing.
Corbin and Karina are dancing the Argentine tango. He’s just so smooth with his long legs and spinning ability. And that’s some lift—what the heck is going on there, she’s dancing on his thigh? I’m impressed. Really. That’s got to be tens all around. Stupid Bruno noticed a few flaws that I had no idea were even a thing, but Cher saw a movie about the tango so she was blown away. Straight nines for a total score of 27 points.
Leah and Tony are dancing the Viennese Waltz to I Got You Babe which is totally blatant sucking up. Leah looks lovely, but the dance doesn’t really look technically difficult and the ending was a little “wipe the floor with your partner and awkwardly stand up afterwards.” Cher was enthralled, something about a coffee shop, and a total score of 25 points.
Well it appears that everybody is dancing to Cher songs because Brant and Peta are dancing the foxtrot to The Shoop Shoop Song (It’s In His Kiss). I’m sorry, but I just can’t get past the peach costumes. That color looks horrible, and it blends with the floor, and they’re being so hammy, and I guess it was okay? Cher likes their smiles, Carrie Ann thinks Brant’s knees don’t look good on him for a total score of 27 points.
Ooh! Elizabeth and Val are performing a jazz routine! This should be hilariously awful. She’s in a lace unitard so we’re already off to a good start. It’s like jazzercise at a hair metal concert with lifts, splits, intense running and grabbing at the throat, fake fighting, reaching for the sky, and finale! Cher is confused, but she enjoyed the rough part of it and something that had to be bleeped because we’re on network television. Elizabeth and Val receive a total score of 25 points.
Disco? That’s an option? Bill and Emma think so, and it looks like an Abba parody. Wow. Awful. Lots of finger pointing and spinning and literally walking away when the song says “walk away,” and…ugh. They receive straight eights for a total score of 24 points.
Jack and Cheryl are dancing the tango to The Beat Goes On. It’s good. No really, Jack’s really good. He looks elegant and suave. Poor Ozzy is in the audience clapping up a storm to nothing in particular. The judges agree and give Jack a total of 27 points.
Amber and Derek dance the rumba to If I could Turn Back Time, and Derek’s shirt is immediately lost, which, okay. That’s a good thing. Amber’s doing a lot of strutting, but not a lot of her usual strong dancing. It seems to be over before the dance even got going, and I’m not sure how the judges are going to react. Well Cher loves it of course because Amber brings the sexiness and Derek is half naked. Bruno also loves it because Amber sold it and he bought it, but Carrie Ann didn’t think it was her best dance. Thank you, Carrie Ann. The total score is 28 points, and since they have the top score, they don’t have to be in the dance off.
Someone stuck an ostrich on top of Cher’s head, decorated her with lampshade tassels, and made her stand on a tree stump mouthing words to a song. So that was weird.
Corbin and Korina decide to dance off against Val and Elizabeth, and Elizabeth chooses the Cha Cha. This is stupid, since everyone has their dances well-prepared. I preferred the freeform dance off, where glorious accidents happen. Damn, Corbin is good, and his partner is even better. Elizabeth looked like Elaine Benes in comparison. Corbin and Korina win the extra three points. Oh my gosh, did the host just tell them to head over to “the glitter pit”?
Brand and Peta decide to dance off against Leah and Tony. Leah chooses rumba. Brant and Peta are their typically proficient selves. Leah and Tony look great, but only because Leah is wearing sparkle fringe and every woman dances 36% better when she’s whipping around her sparkle fringe. Leah and Tony win the extra three points.
Finally, Jack and Cheryl are dancing off against Bill and Emma, and are stuck dancing disco style. There’s no way not to make this look silly, so Jack goes all out. But he almost drops his partner, and there’s a totally awkward spin at the end, so I don’t know. Bill and Emma get to disco dance again, and Bill saved his worst moves for the end. He looks like a thirteen-year-old at a bar mitzvah. And he actually drops his partner, so there’s that. Jack and Cheryl win the extra three points.
Somehow Bill and Emma are safe from elimination, as are Elizabeth and Val, Corbin and Korina, and Leah and Tony. So it’s between Jack and Cheryl and Brant and Peta. And it’s Brant and Peta going home. Aww. I never actually figured out what he did to get on this show. Goodbye, Brant Something-Or-Other.
Stay tuned for more Dancing With The Stars recaps each week!
All photos via On the Red Carpet